The Fire
It was a beautiful summers day. I had just gotten back from grocery shopping with my baby boy Thomas. Throughout the day Thomas was being fussy, so I put him down for his nap a little early. I was so tired from running around that I decided to watch tv but once I hit the couch I was out like a light. I woke up to the smell of smoke, I looked around and saw the door was engulfed in flames. I grabbed Thomas and ran to the balcony to wait for the fire fighters to take Thomas than me. The smoke started to creep out to the balcony, and in that moment everything went black. I woke up to the sound of beeping in a hospital bed, and the image of my beautiful baby boy laying down next to me.
I really like the ding of your story and how you worded it. You are missing a comma after boy, in the first sentence though. Other than that really good story!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of your story. I think you could still work on adding more descriptive language and removing some I's.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of your story and the ending is great. I really liked the language but I think you could get rid of a few "I" and replace them with other words. Good job!
ReplyDeletei like your story but i think you could take out the grocery store and at the end when it went black i thick its unneeded but you have a really good story
ReplyDeleteI really really like your story. you can use less I's in it but thats all I think.
ReplyDeleteYou need a comma after throughout the day, and TV should be capitalized. You also need a comma after couch. You also use the word I a lot at the beginning of your sentences. I enjoyed reading your story, but I think you could use some commas instead of periods to make you story flow.
ReplyDeleteYou have chosen some great words to help tell your story. For example, engulfed in flames, creep, and out like a light. Be sure to read the feedback given to you by your peers as I agree with them that many of your sentences begin with "I". Starting your sentences with a variety of different words adds interest for the reader.
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